Since I still don't feel sleepy after the weird wake up call at 1am to watch the DVD:Somebody's daughter, i guess i could update a bit here..
After the big hoo ha, from the previous home @ bedok reservoir, mum soon got a house at Toa Payoh Lor 1 Blk 202. I really liked the neighbourhood, something about the people there reminded me about Grandma's home.. Nice warm fuzzy feelings.. Still feel that way when i visited the old place..
I vaguely remembered moving in (was 5 years old), i guess half the time i was playing, not really helping to unpack. I remembered it was a 4 room flat, which means it has 3 bed rooms. Mum had one of the bed room wall hacked down and it became our study room. Right in front of the study room is our altar, with the goddess of Mercy, golden boy and jade girl, master da mo, and earth god. Mum was a taoist then, and pretty much everything has got to go with what the feng shui (wind water) master says. We had a pointy dragon head door knocking thingy right at our wooden door, which proves not too prosperous after all (later).
Mum and I shared a bedroom, Cecilia and Cindy shared the other one. I always been sleeping with mum as much as i could remember since young.
Anyway, I was still super sticky to mum, she had such a hard time leaving me at school, because i would just wailed non stop at the school gate, till eventually i fell asleep at the gate. My teacher tried to pull me away a couple of times, but i just would not let go.. Nightmares about my mum leaving me grew more frequent thereafter... Oh, and those dreams about falling..
Whenever I am naughty, i would get caning, then after that, i would have to serve my time out with the earth god. I had to kneel there, pull my ears and wait till the incense had been burned out. So i discovered a strategy to serve my time faster! I would blow at the incense so that it burned faster. But unfortunately, mum didn't take the bait. She saw how the ashes were all over the carpet and altar, and in the end, i had extended time out with a larger and thicker incense this time around.. That taught me a lesson.
Mum had a police baton, a set of Japanese kitchen knives which she kept in our closet drawer. When i asked her why, she just said it's a gift from somebody and she didn't want to use it yet.
A man started visiting us frequently, and often always ending up quarreling with mum.. One night it was really terrible. The shouts and screams got so loud, i cant recall what happen. But this time, my sisters were with me, and i was in the room where the knives were hidden. I heard my mum crying out in pain, and while sobbing, I pulled away from my sisters and rushed to take a look. Right at that moment, that man grabbed my mum's head and slammed her against the dragon head. She cried out loud.
I hated that man. I really did. I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mummy and pulled out a knife. I think mum saw me and screamed for my sisters to pull me away and closed the door. My sisters rushed towards me and took the knife away, i remembered crying out,
"Don't hurt my mummy! Don't hurt my mummy!"
Then i could not recall what happen.
Soon, I kept seeing this man appearing in our house. Mum called me to call him uncle. And so i did. I disliked him. Because mum always seemed so unhappy when he's around. He tried to hold my hand when i was walking to school, but i refused to let him hold, and clung on to mummy..
Turns out, it was dad. Yes, dad was the one who hurt mum, dad was the one i had to call uncle.
I can't remember how or when, he officially came back to stay with us, and soon i forgotten about all the bad stuff..
I remembered the late nights where they had sex beside me again, and one night, i discovered self pleasure. Might you, i was only 5 or 6. This was also the time, i started to grew fond of women in my life. Teachers, sisters' friends, cousins' girlfriends (now wife)..
Mum liked to cut my hair short and parted it side ways like a boy. In fact, i dislike wearing dresses. she would have so much difficulties putting me in a dress.. All the pictures with me smiling in a dress, were fake.. Never happy in a dress at all..
Sisters, especially 2nd sis, kinda got into the trend of being fashionable, gangsterism, etc... While me, i was happily staying alone at home when i was 6. Only attended 3 months of K2, can't remember why i didn't have to go school. I guessed 80% because we couldn't afford the fees. learnt to cook myojo instant noodles, mum bought them especially for me because they are round, fits the pot nicely.. Hee..
Soon, had to go Primary 1. Still feels a bit of separation anxiety.. Ok, maybe a lot of separation anxiety.. And oh ya, was overweight since primary one, so.. Had to attend TAF (Trim and Fit) club.
Primary school was a struggle. Sisters hated teaching me homework because i just could not absorb at all. I dont know if i was a slow learner or if i had dyslexia... But my words were always flipped, and i hardly recognised any words at all. Pictures and math works best for me. I found my old report book, my grades were pretty good actually.. Hmm, so why did i had so much struggle??
Anyway, at around this time, and i guess i would stop after this part because this would break my heart all over again..
Like i was saying, around this time, grandma past away. If there's something you want to know about grandma, is that she's a great mum. She asked my grandpa, more like forced him to send all my aunts and mum to school because she knew time in Singapore would be different. She's a business woman. She loves all her daughters, even though she was pretty mad with my Aunty Jo for believing in Christ and refusing to worship our family dragon god. She loves her grandchildren.
I remembered grandma being very huggable. I remembered how her jade bangle will clink against the steel railings as she makes her way downstairs in her home at Lorong Ah Soo.. I remembered how she can be one side of the house and grandpa at the other end. not a single word exchange but there's so much warmth.. I remembered her silver mugs. One for water, one for coffee.
Yes, i loved her. I loved her a lot.
When Grandma was really sick, while she was lying in the bed in ICU, i remembered everything she said. She said 3 things.
1) Do well in your studies.
2) Love one another (sisters)
3) Forgive your dad..
Well, she couldn't say out literally she had to signal, and my 2nd aunt interpreted. I remembered hugging her, and telling her i would do all that. And i did.
When i came back to Christ 3 years ago, i remembered asking Pastor if i could pray for someone who died. And he clearly pointed out no.. My heart was so broken. I love her, i really do.
Grandma doted on the 3 of us, because she knew how dad was like.. I miss her..
Have to sleep now, all the crying makes me sleepy.. will continue tomorrow..
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