Growing up (@ Bedok Reservoir)

The chilly place where i crawled around, growing up is my first home at Bedok Reservoir.

Tracing back a conversation i had not too long ago with my eldest Sister, that's her first time staying together with all her sisters. Before that, she was taken care by her nanny, our grandaunt. I think i can understand now how difficult life was for her then, even when she was 7. Suddenly she had to be the big sister to a 6 year old, and a new born.

We were poor, very poor. Mum had to work 18 hours a day, 3 different jobs at a same place. It was like a high class country club for the rich and famous.. Still, we could not afford lots of toys. If there was anything there to be my baby mobile, it would be umbrellas, cane, etc.. You may think i'm exaggerating well, things DO fly around at home.

I wondered how dad feels about suddenly having 3 girls at home. I guess that pretty much explains the slapping and shouting at home. I remembered Cindy, my 2nd sis, told me that each time i cry, they would get it from Dad.. I was like... What.... and yes, i do believe my sisters hated me when i was young. To be honest, I only started feeling like their sisters when i was in Polytechnic and that was like when i was 19 years old.

As much as i could remember, home is the only place that i really dislike. I love going to Grandma's place, playground, Grandaunt's place, even the coffee shop downstairs, to the kind old malay lady's house upstairs, neighbour's house but not home.

It's always so cold..

Mum and dad are always fighting, and late at night, they would be "burning with passion" with each other, with the very young me beside them.. I was like, hello, please stop the shaking and sound making, trying to sleep here...

And my sisters told me they would spy on my parents some nights.. Gee... whatever...

There were countless times i injured myself too.. Like i was so greedy, trying to lick the "Milk maid" brand condenser milk without getting caught.. So what i did was i stuck my tiny yet plumb finger into the can. And the can was opened with a old school can opener which meant, the lid was jagged and sharp.. So i was happily licking, and wanting more and more and more and after that, finger stuck.. Yup, of course i cried like nobody's business. Sister woke up, shock that my blood was like all over the can..

My fat finger was really jammed, couldn't pull or push.. so my sister asked my neighbour to help and with not a lot of choices left, he pulled hard, with me screaming and wailing away, but well, finger got out. And i think my sister told my mum, and i got a really harsh scolding from mummy..

The other thing i remembered was how i demanded to shower in a bathtub, but there was none, so my sister put me in a pail.. Which i was so happy, and couldn't stop moving, and the pail slipped and i hit my floor against a step nearby. Head bled, sister panicked. She puts lots of powder, and no we didn't see doc, and didn't tell mum. I slept after i cried, and woke up forgetting everything.. Sis said i gave her a heart attack. haha, i can imagine..

And since young, my stomach has been weak, i remembered having really smelly poo, with worms crawling all over.. and my sis has to clear my poo while trying to stop me from counting the worms..

I've seen ghost which looked like my dad, and i thought was my dad, till mum caught me staring at our room mirror and asked me what i was doing, I said, "Daddy go inside" and the next thing i knew, i was infront of our goddess of mercy statue with my hands fold together and my mum begging the goddess to spare me from disturbance.. Only knew that what i saw was a ghost when i was much older..

Always dream i was falling down.. Scares the bits out of me.. Always dream my mum will leave me, thus making very very sticky to my mum, which ultimately makes my sisters hate me more..

before i knew how to stand and run around, my sisters gave me a nickname "zhan zhan" which means stand stand in chinese.. I had lots of nicknames..

And when i could stand, i had other nicknames, and it finally came down to "Thia, thia" which of course is taken from CynTHIA.. I would only cringe if somebody else besides my sis tries to call me that.. eee.. please dont try on me.. Friends call me Cyn so you can do the same.. Anyway..

Things i hate the most are the fights.. I dont recall my sisters carrying me to the room, most of the times i am outside facing the storms.. One occasion burnt deeply in my memory.

I remembered (about 4 going on to 5 years old) i was playing with the phone, because the buttons are really nice to press.. Mum was at work, dad was reading papers.. Oh ya, Dad took out the line coz i just like to press 999.. So then, mum came home, and she was having supper.. And their conversations got louder and louder. Erm, usually, ok, i am always blur, but i prefer the term focus. I was focus on the buttons till i keep hearing my mum call my chinese name..

I looked up and to my horror, dad held a chopper against mum's neck. I was still young and naive then, but i know and understand the threats Dad was making.. Mum kept saying, "Put the line back, and call the police!" and Dad was like "If you call the cops your mum is dead!" plus swear words in between..

honestly, what happened then, till the police came and my grandfather had a showdown with dad, finally got him out of the house. I had no recollections of what happen.. I was shocked.. I could only remember my Aunty Chris carrying me, i think Aunty Jo and Aunty Sharon was there too. i was crying, and wanting my mum to carry me..

And these are the major events that happen at my first home at Bedok Reservoir.

I just really am grateful to God i am much alive today.. =)