Left off talking about Grandma this morning. Shall continue.
Well, the matter of fact is, i really am not sure where she is, i can only find out when my time is at it's end, and my new life begins spending eternity with God.
Got distracted. Rag and bone man came by, sold my tv for $5 bucks. Hmm, k, let's talked about TV then. Started watching all the chinese zombies shows. I remembered, i would watch it alone at night, I think my sisters are at my aunt's house, and with only one light on. Mum always praised me for being brave, well, she has no idea how scared I was.
Sometimes i don't get to watch anything because electricity at home got cut off.. We had to use the bathroom or toilet with a small candle. My sisters worked hard to finish their homework, with the amount of candle light they could have, and the huge amount of disturbance from me.
I recalled seeing my sisters with different guy friends, and they just hated me because i would tell my mum everything.. I would tell my dad too, and lots of times, these tatter tales got the whole family into a massive quarrel. Soon, i came up with a strategy for not saying anything. If anyone asked me, i would simply reply, "I don't know".
I remembered at this time, i was really curious with the drinking and smoking habits of my parents. Mum don't smoke, dad does, but she drinks a lot. And she always poured the beer purposely in such a way that it would form more foam for me to drink. Stole Dad's cigarettes and took a puff or two, choke myself, and got caught, got scolding..
There was one occasion, Dad bought a strong chinese wine brew, those that you can only take a sip at a time. He placed the small cup near the edge and went to the toilet. When he came out from the toilet, he was shocked to find me squatting there in a daze. He called me apparently, but i did not response. He carried me out and found out that i drank that cup of brew. I really can't remember what happened after that.
You might have thought since now i am older, I would be less accident prone. Not really. Whenever mum put me on the bed, the next thing she realised when she left the room, i'm on the floor. She pushed the bed towards the wall, and did the same thing to me. The next thing she knew, my head is against the wall.. I somehow had managed to do super roll on the bed and just bumped my head whenever and wherever.. So in the end, we slept on top of the mattress on the floor. She placed me inside so i would not roll out onto the floor.
On two occasions, I got lost. Once it was in the Lorong 1 market. Usually, when I am distracted (which i always was and still am), you have to make sure i look at you and get my confirmation to know I am listening. Well, i guessed at that point, mum didn't know how distracted I was. She apparently gave me instructions to stay outside the shop while she goes inside to talk to the shop keeper about a sewing book she wants to purchase. And guess what? After a while, i started looking around for mum after i got bored with whatever was outside at that time. And i could not find her!
I remembered crying and walking home on my own. I had to cross 2 small streets, and a main road before reaching home. Mum was worried as well as angry, but she just hugged me and told me not to give her heart attack like that again.
On the other occasion, we were at Toa Payoh Central. Which means, we had to take a feeder bus from Lorong 1 to Central. We went to the Popular bookstore above KFC, and mum left me at the children's section and TOLD me to WAIT for her. But guess what, yup, i was already distracted by the comics.. Didnt hear the wait for her part.. And so i began reading, and since the books were so full of words and little pictures, i got bored again. I looked up and around. And started getting worried, looked around somemore and when I could not find my mum. I started making my way home again. I went to the bus interchange. Asked a man for ten cents so i could call home, and cried to dad saying i am lost. Then i went to the feeder bus berth and waited. I remembered there were two feeder buses I could take, and i knew the white one would take me to the direct bus stop without having to cross the road, so i took that one. When i got aboard, i cried to the bus uncle explaining i lost my mummy but i knew how to get home. So, the uncle asked me to stand beside him and point out where to let me off.
And so, i did reached home safely. And soon, mum called home and dad told her everything. When mum came back, she took of one of her sandals and flinged it across the room while charging towards me with the other one and started smacking my bottom. Dad defended me saying I was still in shocked and all that, but mum didn't care, because this time round, her anger is more than her being worried.
As i served my usual time out with the earth god, mum told me what i told my class children 21 years down the road, "when you think you are lost, stay there!"
I started owning my house keys when I started in Primary One. Started attending CCA, one of the CCA was after school care, which lasted till about 3pm in the afternoon. We had tuition, which i dreaded the most. Playtime and cooking time! I learnt how to fry an egg, and i thought as i got home that day to prepare my dinner. I could add an egg to my noodle.
I got the wok heated way up, and didn't poured in the oil, and threw in the egg. I think you can guess what happened. Black smoke filled the house. i had charcoal coated egg for dinner with my noodles. Mum came home to the house filled with smoke and me sitting in the living room eating happily away. Needless to say, who gets the scolding and time out again? Next day, mum went to see the teacher in charge and gave her a scolding as well. That was when my teacher realised nobody takes care of me half the time and she started giving me more attention, which i really am thankful to God for. she made me helped her carry stuff around the library, treated me to lunch, and asked me questions about my family. It's teacher like her that leaves a deep impression, i remembered her name is Mrs Pang.
More exciting stories coming up...Got to rest now..
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Growing Up (@ Toa Payoh Lor 1 Blk 202) Pt 1
Since I still don't feel sleepy after the weird wake up call at 1am to watch the DVD:Somebody's daughter, i guess i could update a bit here..
After the big hoo ha, from the previous home @ bedok reservoir, mum soon got a house at Toa Payoh Lor 1 Blk 202. I really liked the neighbourhood, something about the people there reminded me about Grandma's home.. Nice warm fuzzy feelings.. Still feel that way when i visited the old place..
I vaguely remembered moving in (was 5 years old), i guess half the time i was playing, not really helping to unpack. I remembered it was a 4 room flat, which means it has 3 bed rooms. Mum had one of the bed room wall hacked down and it became our study room. Right in front of the study room is our altar, with the goddess of Mercy, golden boy and jade girl, master da mo, and earth god. Mum was a taoist then, and pretty much everything has got to go with what the feng shui (wind water) master says. We had a pointy dragon head door knocking thingy right at our wooden door, which proves not too prosperous after all (later).
Mum and I shared a bedroom, Cecilia and Cindy shared the other one. I always been sleeping with mum as much as i could remember since young.
Anyway, I was still super sticky to mum, she had such a hard time leaving me at school, because i would just wailed non stop at the school gate, till eventually i fell asleep at the gate. My teacher tried to pull me away a couple of times, but i just would not let go.. Nightmares about my mum leaving me grew more frequent thereafter... Oh, and those dreams about falling..
Whenever I am naughty, i would get caning, then after that, i would have to serve my time out with the earth god. I had to kneel there, pull my ears and wait till the incense had been burned out. So i discovered a strategy to serve my time faster! I would blow at the incense so that it burned faster. But unfortunately, mum didn't take the bait. She saw how the ashes were all over the carpet and altar, and in the end, i had extended time out with a larger and thicker incense this time around.. That taught me a lesson.
Mum had a police baton, a set of Japanese kitchen knives which she kept in our closet drawer. When i asked her why, she just said it's a gift from somebody and she didn't want to use it yet.
A man started visiting us frequently, and often always ending up quarreling with mum.. One night it was really terrible. The shouts and screams got so loud, i cant recall what happen. But this time, my sisters were with me, and i was in the room where the knives were hidden. I heard my mum crying out in pain, and while sobbing, I pulled away from my sisters and rushed to take a look. Right at that moment, that man grabbed my mum's head and slammed her against the dragon head. She cried out loud.
I hated that man. I really did. I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mummy and pulled out a knife. I think mum saw me and screamed for my sisters to pull me away and closed the door. My sisters rushed towards me and took the knife away, i remembered crying out,
"Don't hurt my mummy! Don't hurt my mummy!"
Then i could not recall what happen.
Soon, I kept seeing this man appearing in our house. Mum called me to call him uncle. And so i did. I disliked him. Because mum always seemed so unhappy when he's around. He tried to hold my hand when i was walking to school, but i refused to let him hold, and clung on to mummy..
Turns out, it was dad. Yes, dad was the one who hurt mum, dad was the one i had to call uncle.
I can't remember how or when, he officially came back to stay with us, and soon i forgotten about all the bad stuff..
I remembered the late nights where they had sex beside me again, and one night, i discovered self pleasure. Might you, i was only 5 or 6. This was also the time, i started to grew fond of women in my life. Teachers, sisters' friends, cousins' girlfriends (now wife)..
Mum liked to cut my hair short and parted it side ways like a boy. In fact, i dislike wearing dresses. she would have so much difficulties putting me in a dress.. All the pictures with me smiling in a dress, were fake.. Never happy in a dress at all..
Sisters, especially 2nd sis, kinda got into the trend of being fashionable, gangsterism, etc... While me, i was happily staying alone at home when i was 6. Only attended 3 months of K2, can't remember why i didn't have to go school. I guessed 80% because we couldn't afford the fees. learnt to cook myojo instant noodles, mum bought them especially for me because they are round, fits the pot nicely.. Hee..
Soon, had to go Primary 1. Still feels a bit of separation anxiety.. Ok, maybe a lot of separation anxiety.. And oh ya, was overweight since primary one, so.. Had to attend TAF (Trim and Fit) club.
Primary school was a struggle. Sisters hated teaching me homework because i just could not absorb at all. I dont know if i was a slow learner or if i had dyslexia... But my words were always flipped, and i hardly recognised any words at all. Pictures and math works best for me. I found my old report book, my grades were pretty good actually.. Hmm, so why did i had so much struggle??
Anyway, at around this time, and i guess i would stop after this part because this would break my heart all over again..
Like i was saying, around this time, grandma past away. If there's something you want to know about grandma, is that she's a great mum. She asked my grandpa, more like forced him to send all my aunts and mum to school because she knew time in Singapore would be different. She's a business woman. She loves all her daughters, even though she was pretty mad with my Aunty Jo for believing in Christ and refusing to worship our family dragon god. She loves her grandchildren.
I remembered grandma being very huggable. I remembered how her jade bangle will clink against the steel railings as she makes her way downstairs in her home at Lorong Ah Soo.. I remembered how she can be one side of the house and grandpa at the other end. not a single word exchange but there's so much warmth.. I remembered her silver mugs. One for water, one for coffee.
Yes, i loved her. I loved her a lot.
When Grandma was really sick, while she was lying in the bed in ICU, i remembered everything she said. She said 3 things.
1) Do well in your studies.
2) Love one another (sisters)
3) Forgive your dad..
Well, she couldn't say out literally she had to signal, and my 2nd aunt interpreted. I remembered hugging her, and telling her i would do all that. And i did.
When i came back to Christ 3 years ago, i remembered asking Pastor if i could pray for someone who died. And he clearly pointed out no.. My heart was so broken. I love her, i really do.
Grandma doted on the 3 of us, because she knew how dad was like.. I miss her..
Have to sleep now, all the crying makes me sleepy.. will continue tomorrow..
After the big hoo ha, from the previous home @ bedok reservoir, mum soon got a house at Toa Payoh Lor 1 Blk 202. I really liked the neighbourhood, something about the people there reminded me about Grandma's home.. Nice warm fuzzy feelings.. Still feel that way when i visited the old place..
I vaguely remembered moving in (was 5 years old), i guess half the time i was playing, not really helping to unpack. I remembered it was a 4 room flat, which means it has 3 bed rooms. Mum had one of the bed room wall hacked down and it became our study room. Right in front of the study room is our altar, with the goddess of Mercy, golden boy and jade girl, master da mo, and earth god. Mum was a taoist then, and pretty much everything has got to go with what the feng shui (wind water) master says. We had a pointy dragon head door knocking thingy right at our wooden door, which proves not too prosperous after all (later).
Mum and I shared a bedroom, Cecilia and Cindy shared the other one. I always been sleeping with mum as much as i could remember since young.
Anyway, I was still super sticky to mum, she had such a hard time leaving me at school, because i would just wailed non stop at the school gate, till eventually i fell asleep at the gate. My teacher tried to pull me away a couple of times, but i just would not let go.. Nightmares about my mum leaving me grew more frequent thereafter... Oh, and those dreams about falling..
Whenever I am naughty, i would get caning, then after that, i would have to serve my time out with the earth god. I had to kneel there, pull my ears and wait till the incense had been burned out. So i discovered a strategy to serve my time faster! I would blow at the incense so that it burned faster. But unfortunately, mum didn't take the bait. She saw how the ashes were all over the carpet and altar, and in the end, i had extended time out with a larger and thicker incense this time around.. That taught me a lesson.
Mum had a police baton, a set of Japanese kitchen knives which she kept in our closet drawer. When i asked her why, she just said it's a gift from somebody and she didn't want to use it yet.
A man started visiting us frequently, and often always ending up quarreling with mum.. One night it was really terrible. The shouts and screams got so loud, i cant recall what happen. But this time, my sisters were with me, and i was in the room where the knives were hidden. I heard my mum crying out in pain, and while sobbing, I pulled away from my sisters and rushed to take a look. Right at that moment, that man grabbed my mum's head and slammed her against the dragon head. She cried out loud.
I hated that man. I really did. I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mummy and pulled out a knife. I think mum saw me and screamed for my sisters to pull me away and closed the door. My sisters rushed towards me and took the knife away, i remembered crying out,
"Don't hurt my mummy! Don't hurt my mummy!"
Then i could not recall what happen.
Soon, I kept seeing this man appearing in our house. Mum called me to call him uncle. And so i did. I disliked him. Because mum always seemed so unhappy when he's around. He tried to hold my hand when i was walking to school, but i refused to let him hold, and clung on to mummy..
Turns out, it was dad. Yes, dad was the one who hurt mum, dad was the one i had to call uncle.
I can't remember how or when, he officially came back to stay with us, and soon i forgotten about all the bad stuff..
I remembered the late nights where they had sex beside me again, and one night, i discovered self pleasure. Might you, i was only 5 or 6. This was also the time, i started to grew fond of women in my life. Teachers, sisters' friends, cousins' girlfriends (now wife)..
Mum liked to cut my hair short and parted it side ways like a boy. In fact, i dislike wearing dresses. she would have so much difficulties putting me in a dress.. All the pictures with me smiling in a dress, were fake.. Never happy in a dress at all..
Sisters, especially 2nd sis, kinda got into the trend of being fashionable, gangsterism, etc... While me, i was happily staying alone at home when i was 6. Only attended 3 months of K2, can't remember why i didn't have to go school. I guessed 80% because we couldn't afford the fees. learnt to cook myojo instant noodles, mum bought them especially for me because they are round, fits the pot nicely.. Hee..
Soon, had to go Primary 1. Still feels a bit of separation anxiety.. Ok, maybe a lot of separation anxiety.. And oh ya, was overweight since primary one, so.. Had to attend TAF (Trim and Fit) club.
Primary school was a struggle. Sisters hated teaching me homework because i just could not absorb at all. I dont know if i was a slow learner or if i had dyslexia... But my words were always flipped, and i hardly recognised any words at all. Pictures and math works best for me. I found my old report book, my grades were pretty good actually.. Hmm, so why did i had so much struggle??
Anyway, at around this time, and i guess i would stop after this part because this would break my heart all over again..
Like i was saying, around this time, grandma past away. If there's something you want to know about grandma, is that she's a great mum. She asked my grandpa, more like forced him to send all my aunts and mum to school because she knew time in Singapore would be different. She's a business woman. She loves all her daughters, even though she was pretty mad with my Aunty Jo for believing in Christ and refusing to worship our family dragon god. She loves her grandchildren.
I remembered grandma being very huggable. I remembered how her jade bangle will clink against the steel railings as she makes her way downstairs in her home at Lorong Ah Soo.. I remembered how she can be one side of the house and grandpa at the other end. not a single word exchange but there's so much warmth.. I remembered her silver mugs. One for water, one for coffee.
Yes, i loved her. I loved her a lot.
When Grandma was really sick, while she was lying in the bed in ICU, i remembered everything she said. She said 3 things.
1) Do well in your studies.
2) Love one another (sisters)
3) Forgive your dad..
Well, she couldn't say out literally she had to signal, and my 2nd aunt interpreted. I remembered hugging her, and telling her i would do all that. And i did.
When i came back to Christ 3 years ago, i remembered asking Pastor if i could pray for someone who died. And he clearly pointed out no.. My heart was so broken. I love her, i really do.
Grandma doted on the 3 of us, because she knew how dad was like.. I miss her..
Have to sleep now, all the crying makes me sleepy.. will continue tomorrow..
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